Lies, Damn Lies, No 4

Well Carla has done it again.  I read her post this morning on how she endeavors to instill confidence in her daughter and she asked for comments, saying "what do you believe is one thing adults can do to help preserve girls’ self-esteem?"

I've been meaning to write a blog post.  My last post isn't what I really want on my home page.  This new post was going to be about some small changes I've implemented in my routine recently.  I've also been noodling on a post about 2016 goals (what with the new year looming, who isn't?)

So clearly it was time for a new post.  My attempt at a short comment in response to Carla's question, turned into THIS:

I once tried out for little league baseball.  My brothers were both super athletic and loved it, and one summer I thought maybe I'd give it a shot.  At tryouts (I didn't know then but I do now... there's no being "cut" from the team, you just get put in different leagues or on different teams based on your ability.)(As an adult, I have the language for this - it wasn't "tryouts"; it was a "skills assessment".)

But anyway, at tryouts, the first exercise was fielding the ball.  Kids lined up and one at a time, you went onto the field and some adult (a "coach"? was this The Coach?) hit 10 balls in your general direction for you to catch.  I was terrified of being hit in the face and didn't catch anything that came at me in the air.  Not the pop-ups, sure as hell not the line drive.  I think I actually just squeezed my eyes shut and held out my glove.  Balls 10; CPAGrrrl zero.

Next, he hit 10 ground balls in my general direction.  This I thought I had a chance at.
But I missed all of them.
Every.  Single.  One.
All.  TEN.

• They went around me, 
• They came at me faster than I expected, 
• They went straight between my legs while I flailed with that glove in one hand and reached with my other, bare, hand in desperation.  

I failed.  

Like, really, REALLY failed.  

And in front of our entire neighborhood.

In front of my father and both my brothers. 

The whole process probably took less than 5 minutes but it seemed to go on for hours.  I don't think I'd ever been THAT bad at ANYthing before. I was beyond embarrassed.  More than that - I had a great vocabulary - I could list TEN different words for how I felt.

I was mortified.

I was crushed.

I was humiliated.

I was ashamed.

I tried to hold my head up as I got back in line for the next round, our turn to hit.  The kid in front of me - I can't recall his name but I knew him from the neighborhood (and we were not friends) - he said something, berating me for not even being able to pick up a ground ball.

That was it.  I burst into tears as my father walked up.  I imagine he was saying something cheerful and encouraging.  I also imagine he had no idea what to do with a crying potential-ballplayer.  I imagine how confounded he must have felt.  (Basing this primarily on my own utter confusion any time someone begins crying in a situation where it's the last thing I'd expect.)  I don't know if he asked me if I wanted to leave, or if I said I wanted to or what.  But that's what happened next; I went home.  Baseball tryouts:  OVER.

I've learned to enjoy watching baseball.  But I've never been part of a team sport.  I was on a youth football cheer squad.  But my mom was the coach.  I'm not sure I ever really gave myself credit for that.  (Perhaps I should have.  Perhaps I should still. Perhaps I should.)  In high school, I started tryouts for the volleyball team, but quit before the first cut.  I have never joined in a company softball game.  The physical activities I participate in now are all individual - running, walking, biking, swimming.  I rarely even join a class at my gym.  This stuff isn't "my dad's fault."  Hell, I wouldn't say any of this stuff is even a negative outcome.  But I believe this stuff was influenced by the outcome of that day.  I wish my future choices had been influenced by a moment where I stayed in that line, even though I didn't want to.  I might have found out I was better at hitting the ball.

CPAGrrrl Cheerleader

Maybe I wouldn't have learned to be better at going after a literal ground ball.  Maybe I am simply Not Good At That.  But maybe I would have learned sooner how to go after a metaphorical one.  My father accidentally taught me that day, that it was OK to quit when something was a physical challenge.  And I believe NOW, that was a lesson I would have been better off without.  

I learned at an early age that my brain was a powerful tool muscle, that there are very few academic challenges I can't overcome with some effort.  And those lessons have stuck with me and gotten me through countless struggles.

I learned early to value what my MIND was capable of.

• Sometimes you need more time, 
• Sometimes you need to ask the right person for help, 
• but sooner or later, 
• ALL problems have an appropriate solution.  (correct? maybe, sometimes there are more than one of those) (and sometimes there are none.)

This GRRRL ENJOYED using her brain for fun and learning.

At the same time, I have walked away from countless physical challenges, saying:

• "I'd never be able to do that." (says fucking who?) 
• "I have no upper-body strength." (True, but why was that viewed as a permanent condition?) 
• "I am not very coordinated." (I imagine that can be remedied or at least improved upon with some practice.) 
• "I fall down a lot." (OK frankly that's just truth.  I fell down LAST Friday and was limping for 2 days.)

This GRRRL knew the value of long hours practicing, working to learn a new skill.

I think the concept I'm after here is "GRIT."[Thank you, Wikipedia.]  GRIT [thank you, amazing Ted Talk.] can be taught, and I eventually found it in my own way.  I just didn't have it yet, not when it came to "sports-y" things.  I believe GRIT to be the most important thing I can teach my child, the most important thing I learned from my parents, from my upbringing.

It took GRIT to keep going back to school after every obstacle that interrupted forward progress.  I was never ashamed that it took 12 years to finish that degree.  I worked my ass off EVERY MINUTE of those 12 years.

There are moments as a parent when you blow it.  Sometimes you KNOW you blew it - that time you snapped at your son for something small but really it was because your boss made you feel like shit at work that day and you hadn't had a chance to decompress before picking up the kids from school - you know you blew it that minute.  You do what you do - maybe apologize, maybe not, maybe you try to make up for it some way, definitely you try not to DO that again... (Parental GRIT in action.)

But sometimes - and as a parent these are the things that scare the crap out of me - sometimes you don't know you blew it.  My father blew it that day.  I'm sure he didn't realize it.  Certainly at the time, I had no idea anyone besides me was blowing it.  And it's not that he did anything wrong.  But looking back with the clarity of a 40-year-old woman who wishes she'd had more appreciation for what her BODY was capable of, as well as her MIND, I sure wish he'd found a way to make sure I stayed to the end of tryouts.

LIES I TELL MYSELF

(and proof they're not real)

No. 4

"I CAN'T DO [this thing]"

LIE.

Here's the truth:

I don't know how to do [that thing]. 

Lies, Damn Lies, No 3

LIES I TELL MYSELF

(and proof they're not real)

No. 3

"Sh*t it's too late to go to the gym.
- I don't care. It doesn't matter."

LIES.

Here's the truth:

I do care. 

It does matter. 

When I say these things, it's because: 

I feel frustrated. 

I feel powerless. 

And maybe I really DON'T have time now that I've worked late. So maybe today isn't going to be a Gym Day after all.  Too bad, life is tough.  Plans fall apart, they change.  Deal with it. #SuckItUpButtercup

But to say "I don't care" and "It doesn't matter" devalues my efforts.  It's one of the worst ways I can sabotage myself with negative self-talk.  Here's why:

• If It Doesn't Matter, then why go to the gym at all?  Why plan on it in the first place?  If I Don't Care, then what's for dinner? Deep-dish pizza?  Pasta with extra Alfredo sauce? Just dive right into a vat of ice cream? 

• That's the next step in that line of thinking.  If I Don't Care, there's no reason to eat mindfully, make goal-oriented food choices... because if I Don't Care, there's NO GOAL to work toward.  Convince myself that It Doesn't Matter and not only is the battle lost, there's no battle left to fight.

I'm pretty sure at some point I read a post from Michelle that I would really love to reference here... but I can't seem to find it.  She's been blogging pretty regularly since like the dawn of time, and she's very insightful, so I'm sure it's there somewhere... 

Here's what one article has to say on the topic:  Top 10 Things NOT to Say to Yourself
"There’s no use. Telling yourself there is no use steals your personal power and leaves you with no motivation." 

One of the suggestions in this article is to clearly identify when you have such thoughts. This is actually something I do often.  Because when I HEAR these thoughts out loud, they sound RIDICULOUS - which, of course, is exactly what they are.  RIDICULOUS. Calling it ludicrous puts me in the position of devaluing the THOUGHT, rather than the other way around.  I can reclaim my value, confidence and esteem just by segregating my negative thoughts into their own little Shame Box.

Here's the author's suggestion:  “Use the following formula: “I just had the thought…” (repeat the negative thought here). If you caught yourself saying, “I am not worth it,” for example, then you would pause and say, “I just had the thought, ‘I am not worth it.’” Using this formula securely labels the thought as a mere thought. If you do not realize that what you said was just a thought, you run a higher risk of taking it personally and allowing it to ruin your day.

Here's another good article on the subject (I found while looking for that mystery post on Michelle's blog!)  Challenging Negative Self-Talk - this one provides questions we can ask ourselves to help challenge those lies we tell ourselves.  For example: 

• Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
• Is this situation as bad as I am making out to be?
• Are my thoughts factual, or are they just my interpretations?
• Am I jumping to negative conclusions?

I don't really have any wrap-it-up conclusions for this post.  I'm writing here about a concept that continues to challenge me.  I'm working on it.  And I'm going to keep at it, try to catch those I Don't Care and It Doesn't Matter thoughts as they happen, call them out, and keep acting like I DO care; it DOES matter.  

Because it matters. 

To ME.

Lies, Damn Lies, No. 2

My favorite blogger has been on hiatus for a bit.  As a result, I've welcomed some new bloggers into my life, and I've been feeling the urge to write again myself.  If I'm not finding motivation and inspiration in my usual sources, I'm going to create it on my own.  Cuz that's how I roll.  I'm going easy on myself though - not making any rules about whether and when and how often and how much to write, but today I had one of those inner-dialogue type of moments and I'd like to write it down while I'm thinking about it.  Blogging, #wycwyc style.

SO!

LIES I TELL MYSELF

(and proof they're not real)

No. 2

"I wake up STARVING every morning!"

LIES.

There are times when I think "I'm hungry" and later realize it's something else.  I'm not really talking about that.  There are TONS of great blog posts on the topic and I'm sure I have my own take on it if I think about it for a while, but for ME, specifically, I always eat breakfast. 

Like, ALWAYS. 

Not as a diet / nutrition axiom (everything I've EVER read on the subject insists you must never, never skip meals if you aim for long-term weight management and fitness - FUEL YOUR BODY!), but because it's pretty much the first thing I think about when I wake up most days. 

"What's for breakfast?"

"Oh, I have to pee.  What's for breakfast?"

And I'm not talking about having a nice fruit smoothie.  Or a bowl of high-fiber cereal and a bit of Greek yogurt.  I wake up thinking about eggs, bacon, sausage, and biscuits.  Basically I wake up thinking about a Hardee's breakfast sandwich.

I've learned over the years that I'm not really all that hungry first thing in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, if you put that breakfast sandwich in front of me, I'm GOING to eat it.  I will not hesitate.  (Gotta work on that...)  But if I have a shower, a cup of coffee, it wanes.  The urgency fades.  And, like a morning fog being burned off in my brain, the urge to eat ALL THE FOODS subsides and a more reasonable desire for breakfast takes its place. 

Then I can enjoy my Greek yogurt with some granola or nuts.  Maybe some dried fruit.  Or maybe on a Saturday morning, a couple of eggs and a single piece of toast.  Especially on a Saturday, when typically I'll get a fair amount of exercise and I need that extra bit of fat and protein to keep me going.

I've also learned that if I can get through this early morning desperate desire for food thing, I can control the rest of my day pretty well.  I have VERY weak Resistance Muscles in the morning.  Coffee helps, a LOT, but that usually doesn't come into play until after I've gotten to work.  Until I've had my coffee... I'm vulnerable.

Oh... what got me thinking about this today?  Here's what greeted me when I came in.  This is not even lunchtime, people!  Those aren't MUFFINS (at least that would be a breakfast food!) they're just DESSERTS.

REALLY????

I have developed a strategy to calm, pacify, and sometimes control this monster that is released each morning. (Jillian Michaels and a bunch of scientists have some sciency explanations for all this in her book and elsewhere, if you're interested.  It IS nice to find I'm sorta normal.)  It's not fool-proof, but most days I can count on it to keep me away from the drive-thru.

It's a three-step process:

Step 1) Get up late so I don't have time to make sausage and eggs and bacon and biscuits for breakfast.  This is the easiest step.

Step 2) Keep ready-to-grab breakfast foods available at all times.  This includes but is not limited to: 

• Greek yogurt in tasty flavors that I'm likely to actually EAT.  (Not that revolting banana atrocity I tried last week.  Not that.)
• Cottage cheese - take 10 minutes on Sunday and put cottage cheese in 5 or 10 of those tiny Tupperware containers that hold a half-cup each.  And don't forget to buy a vat of the stuff at Sam's Club.  (And while I'm on the subject, I personally don't bother with Low-Fat or Non-Fat cottage cheese.  It saves you TEN lousy calories per serving, and something delicious somehow gets turned into something noxious when they remove the fat.  Just eat good tasty cottage cheese in an actual half-cup portion and you'll be fine.)
• Home-made granola bars or loose granola - tons of great recipes out there, take 45 minutes out of your weekend and you'll have a month's supply and it's delicious.
• Hard-boiled eggs.  Who doesn't love a hard-boiled egg?
• I have been known, on occasion, to make ahead things like egg cups or hearty muffins, but lately that's not been my thing.  Has worked just fine when I've done it, though.
• Protein bars - I keep a stash of them in my desk drawer, and I've been known to keep some in the trunk of my car and/ or in my purse.

See?

Step 3) and some days this is actually the hardest step for me, even though it sounds simple.  I do my very best not to drive to work through the Gauntlet of Fast Foot Joints that lies between my house and my office.  I can't eliminate every possible bad choice - even the gas station has doughnuts every morning - but skipping the main drag that takes me past all the breakfast sandwiches keeps me relatively safe until I've had my coffee and I'm thinking straight. 

So, once again, Screw you, lying voice inside my head.  I'm gonna eat this yogurt and enjoy every bite.  And later, I'm going to have a sensible lunch.

Lies, Damn Lies, No. 1

I don't know if this is going to be a series of posts or not, but let's just assume it is - there's certainly plenty of material for it:

LIES I TELL MYSELF

(and proof they're not real)

No. 1

"I never get to do anything!  I'm working all the time and it leaves me with no time for fun stuff."

LIES.

I needed to write this today because I heard this complaint in my head.  Sometimes it's useful to remind myself that there's no need to be down - there's light at the end of the Tunnel that is Busy Season, and meanwhile, I regularly participate in some REALLY neat, enriching and satisfying activities that have absolutely nothing to do with work.

Here's some cool shit I've done in the past 6 months, despite my busy work schedule while enjoying my demanding and engaging career, and in no particular order:

1. I helped lead a group of beginner runners to successfully complete a 4.37-mile race through a 10-week program.
2. I went to a concert.  On a TUESDAY night.  If that's not living-on-the-edge, I just don't know what is.
3. I participated in a 12-week running program myself to help improve my own speed and endurance.
4. I filed my taxes on time (ok this doesn't really fall into the category of "fun", but I did.)
5. I went to an Easter Parade Party.  Now, who else gets to say that?!?
6. I ran not one but TWO half-marathons.
7. I baked an amazing, basically perfect, blueberry pie.
8. I celebrated 10 years of marriage.
9. We went to a beach party with friends.
10. I attended the wedding of a woman whom I've known since she was three months old. That's right I said MONTHS.
11. I celebrated my brother-in-law's graduation from graduate school.
12. I went to the Jaycees Beerfest - another great day with friends.
13. I attended an event honoring women of distinction in our community and met a dear old friend of my mother's - and she received one of the awards!
14. I spent two weeks attending a daily swimming class and learned a new skill.
15. I went to community theater and saw the musical SHREK.
16. I spent an evening out of town listening to my friends' band play until the wee hours of the morning.
17. I volunteered as a leader in a women-only running group for 8 weeks.  There I met bunches of great ladies and running partners!
18. I went to a fundraiser for a great local charity and simultaneously got to visit with a dear friend and her mom.  And we accidentally got her mom pretty drunk.  She was hilarious.
19. I ran a race with one of my very best friends and then spent the rest of the day together.
20. I volunteered answering phones during the spring fund drive for my local public radio station.  (Donate today for the fall fund drive - click here!)
21. I hosted a birthday party and had all our friends over, hanging out and enjoying each other's company until (again) the wee hours of the morning.

And #22:  The past few weeks, I have been helping promote an upcoming concert.  My very favorite singer-songwriter is coming to town and I have the privledge of helping get the word out.  By the way, here's where you can get tickets and info.  It's going to be a fantastic, intimate show; one not to be missed.

So screw you, lying voice inside my head.  I have a pretty great, fun-filled and enriching life outside of my office (and the hotel rooms I stay in so often).  I just need a little reminder once in a while.

Back to work, you!