Lies, Damn Lies, No 4

Well Carla has done it again.  I read her post this morning on how she endeavors to instill confidence in her daughter and she asked for comments, saying "what do you believe is one thing adults can do to help preserve girls’ self-esteem?"

I've been meaning to write a blog post.  My last post isn't what I really want on my home page.  This new post was going to be about some small changes I've implemented in my routine recently.  I've also been noodling on a post about 2016 goals (what with the new year looming, who isn't?)

So clearly it was time for a new post.  My attempt at a short comment in response to Carla's question, turned into THIS:

I once tried out for little league baseball.  My brothers were both super athletic and loved it, and one summer I thought maybe I'd give it a shot.  At tryouts (I didn't know then but I do now... there's no being "cut" from the team, you just get put in different leagues or on different teams based on your ability.)(As an adult, I have the language for this - it wasn't "tryouts"; it was a "skills assessment".)

But anyway, at tryouts, the first exercise was fielding the ball.  Kids lined up and one at a time, you went onto the field and some adult (a "coach"? was this The Coach?) hit 10 balls in your general direction for you to catch.  I was terrified of being hit in the face and didn't catch anything that came at me in the air.  Not the pop-ups, sure as hell not the line drive.  I think I actually just squeezed my eyes shut and held out my glove.  Balls 10; CPAGrrrl zero.

Next, he hit 10 ground balls in my general direction.  This I thought I had a chance at.
But I missed all of them.
Every.  Single.  One.
All.  TEN.

• They went around me, 
• They came at me faster than I expected, 
• They went straight between my legs while I flailed with that glove in one hand and reached with my other, bare, hand in desperation.  

I failed.  

Like, really, REALLY failed.  

And in front of our entire neighborhood.

In front of my father and both my brothers. 

The whole process probably took less than 5 minutes but it seemed to go on for hours.  I don't think I'd ever been THAT bad at ANYthing before. I was beyond embarrassed.  More than that - I had a great vocabulary - I could list TEN different words for how I felt.

I was mortified.

I was crushed.

I was humiliated.

I was ashamed.

I tried to hold my head up as I got back in line for the next round, our turn to hit.  The kid in front of me - I can't recall his name but I knew him from the neighborhood (and we were not friends) - he said something, berating me for not even being able to pick up a ground ball.

That was it.  I burst into tears as my father walked up.  I imagine he was saying something cheerful and encouraging.  I also imagine he had no idea what to do with a crying potential-ballplayer.  I imagine how confounded he must have felt.  (Basing this primarily on my own utter confusion any time someone begins crying in a situation where it's the last thing I'd expect.)  I don't know if he asked me if I wanted to leave, or if I said I wanted to or what.  But that's what happened next; I went home.  Baseball tryouts:  OVER.

I've learned to enjoy watching baseball.  But I've never been part of a team sport.  I was on a youth football cheer squad.  But my mom was the coach.  I'm not sure I ever really gave myself credit for that.  (Perhaps I should have.  Perhaps I should still. Perhaps I should.)  In high school, I started tryouts for the volleyball team, but quit before the first cut.  I have never joined in a company softball game.  The physical activities I participate in now are all individual - running, walking, biking, swimming.  I rarely even join a class at my gym.  This stuff isn't "my dad's fault."  Hell, I wouldn't say any of this stuff is even a negative outcome.  But I believe this stuff was influenced by the outcome of that day.  I wish my future choices had been influenced by a moment where I stayed in that line, even though I didn't want to.  I might have found out I was better at hitting the ball.

CPAGrrrl Cheerleader

Maybe I wouldn't have learned to be better at going after a literal ground ball.  Maybe I am simply Not Good At That.  But maybe I would have learned sooner how to go after a metaphorical one.  My father accidentally taught me that day, that it was OK to quit when something was a physical challenge.  And I believe NOW, that was a lesson I would have been better off without.  

I learned at an early age that my brain was a powerful tool muscle, that there are very few academic challenges I can't overcome with some effort.  And those lessons have stuck with me and gotten me through countless struggles.

I learned early to value what my MIND was capable of.

• Sometimes you need more time, 
• Sometimes you need to ask the right person for help, 
• but sooner or later, 
• ALL problems have an appropriate solution.  (correct? maybe, sometimes there are more than one of those) (and sometimes there are none.)

This GRRRL ENJOYED using her brain for fun and learning.

At the same time, I have walked away from countless physical challenges, saying:

• "I'd never be able to do that." (says fucking who?) 
• "I have no upper-body strength." (True, but why was that viewed as a permanent condition?) 
• "I am not very coordinated." (I imagine that can be remedied or at least improved upon with some practice.) 
• "I fall down a lot." (OK frankly that's just truth.  I fell down LAST Friday and was limping for 2 days.)

This GRRRL knew the value of long hours practicing, working to learn a new skill.

I think the concept I'm after here is "GRIT."[Thank you, Wikipedia.]  GRIT [thank you, amazing Ted Talk.] can be taught, and I eventually found it in my own way.  I just didn't have it yet, not when it came to "sports-y" things.  I believe GRIT to be the most important thing I can teach my child, the most important thing I learned from my parents, from my upbringing.

It took GRIT to keep going back to school after every obstacle that interrupted forward progress.  I was never ashamed that it took 12 years to finish that degree.  I worked my ass off EVERY MINUTE of those 12 years.

There are moments as a parent when you blow it.  Sometimes you KNOW you blew it - that time you snapped at your son for something small but really it was because your boss made you feel like shit at work that day and you hadn't had a chance to decompress before picking up the kids from school - you know you blew it that minute.  You do what you do - maybe apologize, maybe not, maybe you try to make up for it some way, definitely you try not to DO that again... (Parental GRIT in action.)

But sometimes - and as a parent these are the things that scare the crap out of me - sometimes you don't know you blew it.  My father blew it that day.  I'm sure he didn't realize it.  Certainly at the time, I had no idea anyone besides me was blowing it.  And it's not that he did anything wrong.  But looking back with the clarity of a 40-year-old woman who wishes she'd had more appreciation for what her BODY was capable of, as well as her MIND, I sure wish he'd found a way to make sure I stayed to the end of tryouts.

LIES I TELL MYSELF

(and proof they're not real)

No. 4

"I CAN'T DO [this thing]"

LIE.

Here's the truth:

I don't know how to do [that thing]. 

Happy, Safe and Warm

This post first appeared as a "Guest Post" on www.carlabirnberg.com. Carla is amazing - check her out!

The Hubs and I rescued this pitbull two years ago.  He's anxious, sometimes unpredictable, and early on, there were moments when he was downright scary.

We didn't know his history.  His behaviour and responses were like nothing we'd encountered in previous pets.  We wondered how to train him.  We worried if we didn't fix him address the behaviours, he'd do something really bad and end up euthanized. Longstoryshort, we brought in a professional who taught us how to teach this dog.  How to read him, how to redirect him.  How to remind him that he doesn't have to be in charge all the time.  And slowly, he learned to trust that we could keep him safe.

He still gets agitated sometimes, and when he does, one way I calm him is to make him sit (this is essential - he can't "hear" me if he's too agitated to sit), and I kneel (get down on his level), hold him steady with my face right by his (but not blocking his view of The Scary Thing That's Got Him Upset) and whisper as calmly as possible:

The world is a happy, safe and warm place.

No one and nothing can hurt you here.

Happy, Relaxed Louie

Until Louie bounded into our lives, I don't think I ever gave much voice to my own feelings on whether the world is truly a happy, safe and warm place.  Certainly people and things can hurt me (and have, of course).  From my early teenage years until I was... well into my 20's I guess, I can't quite say... I didn't really find the world to be all that happy, safe and warm.  For a variety of reasons that I won't go into, there was a great deal of instability in my life that carried on even once I had the ability to control such things (which one cannot do as a teen, but somewhere between 14 and 25 that responsibility shifts and it's on you, right?)  During that time, I would not have used any of those words, Happy-Safe-Warm to describe my experience of life in general.

I can identify the moment when that began to shift.  It wasn't a switch that was flipped (I don't feel safe did not overnight become I Feel Safe), but the day I met The Hubs, my world view began to change.  It was not "love at first sight" but within a matter of weeks, I found myself gravitating to wherever he was.  I wanted to cocoon myself in his apartment and never leave.

Louie is a fan of the Cocoon Lifestyle

I wouldn't have used these words at the time, but looking back,

I felt that as long as I was there, 

I was cloaked in something that made me feel 

Happy, Safe, and Warm.  

I felt that no one and nothing could hurt me, as long as I stayed inside of that bubble

And why would anyone leave such a bubble?  Ever?

The Hubs is a talker.  When he's happy, he's talking.  When he's angry, he's talking (but louder).  When he's reminiscing, he's talking (storytelling, more slowly).  When he's tipsy, he's talking (animatedly). When he's agitated, he's talking (faster and about anything and everything BUT the thing that has him agitated). He was willing and able to do all the talking, and he didn't need me to say much.  No pressure to talk about my feelings (yech) or my history (oh dear god no I don't want to get into that) or my plans for the future (at that point there were none to speak of) or my worries or my fears or any other damn thing.  I could sit with my feelings and listen to him and when (if) I wanted to talk, he'd listen.  Meantime, he would carry our conversations.

I wasn't SILENT, mind you.  I just didn't want to talk about anything REAL.  Not then.  I wanted to stay in the bubble, and I didn't want to acknowledge that anything else existed. And these days, The Hubs is one of maybe three people I really want to "get real" with.  (Yes, I know.  Louie isn't the only one around here with Trust Issues.) (Or maybe not? Maybe all anyone really needs is those three people.)

I read two posts from Carla Birnberg recently that sort of rattled my brain, kept bouncing around and wouldn't leave me. The first, about the concept of having a Safe Person, brought all this history to mind.  It reminded me how unstable, unsafe I felt in the Bad Old Days of my early 20's.  It reminded me what a blessing I have in The Hubs.  He has been my Safe Person.  We didn't call it that, though.  We just said "You're my favorite thing to do."

The second was this post about... well, to be honest, her words prompted me to talk to others about it, and I have had trouble explaining what this post is about!  I guess the way I read it, it's about the definition of "listening."  It touched me and reminded me of a specific conversation.  Her post resonated with me so much that I commented:

I worry often that The Hubs thinks i’m never listening. He’s a “yammerer” too and in the earlier days of our relationship when we’d snuggle into the wee hours I would often fall asleep, ear to his chest, listening to his voice.
I asked him if it hurt his feelings when I’d fall asleep while he was mid-sentence. He brushed it off – I think it DID, at least a little, hurt his feelings. Until I explained:
“Your voice calms me like a lullaby. It makes me feel happy, safe and warm. I never want you to stop talking and I never want to interrupt.”

We don't really snuggle late into the night these days like we used to. (When did that stop? And WHY? I resolve to incorporate more snuggling.)

He is STILL my Safe Person, my favorite thing to do.  

He still makes me feel Happy, Safe, and Warm.  

Every.  

Day.   

When we met

20 years later

Last weekend - Snuggling RETURNS!

What Day Is It?

Last night was the last night of the 2015 Heat Wave women-only running group.  I sure do love that program.  I was a volunteer leader again this year - which is funny, because I'm not SUCH a strong runner... I'm just very enthusiastic.  Even as "leader" for the "back-of-the-packers" I sometimes struggle to keep up.  Last week was awful - my calf muscles were tight and wanting to cramp and they just never let up, the whole run I was just in pain.  Until about 40 minutes in.  That's right, you heard me.  FORTY minutes.  I had a miserable night and as a "Group Leader" felt like a failure.  But I guess I can say I was providing an example of how even experienced runners have a SHITTY RUN now and then.  Suck it up, buttercup.

During THIS week's run; however, got into a great discussion of "Balance." Shifting focus from "weight loss" goals to "fitness" and "attitude" orientation, and how that can affect things both positive and negative.  This past year, my goals had to make that shift, which required a great deal of soul-searching and conscious effort to reward myself for different behaviours, set different weekly / monthly goals, and begin looking at the number on the scale in a whole new light.  That gave me some space (mentally), taught me to be kinder to myself, and ease up on the pressure to Always Be Losing.  (When losing becomes impossible, that pressure is a recipe for self-hate, not self-love.)

My goal was to stay active, enjoy the "Active Lifestyle" I have constructed over the past six to eight years, and get comfortable maintaining that level of activity in the body that I HAVE, rather than waiting to start enjoying activities when I have the body I'm "supposed to obtain."  The part of that shift that was hardest for me was learning to tell the difference between "being kind to myself" vs. "being lazy" or "being complacent."  It's still not second-nature, but when I take the time to think through my decision-making process, it's always really easy to decipher.

Sometimes, "just showing up" is a win.  And I'm all about rewarding, celebrating, and acknowledging those days and giving props to myself when I Just Show Up.

From Michelle's Facebook Page - I saved as a great reminder for myself.

But other days... I can do better than Just Show Up.  Some days, I could kick the crap out of my workout and still come back for more.

The trick is knowing what day it is, and pushing myself appropriately.

This is What Success is Going to Look Like

I had an interesting little insight this morning that I'd like to share.

First I need to give you a little rundown on what's been going on around here -

This is my Busy Season, so if you follow my blog at all, you know I'm not posting much lately.  In fact, I haven't looked but I'm guessing it's been about 8 weeks since my last post.  I'm travelling quite a bit, working late, trying to keep a large number of projects running simultaneously and not let any of them fall completely apart.  I'm not complaining; I have a demanding job that I love, and this is just how it goes sometimes.  Thank goodness I have a wonderful supportive family that keeps everything at home generally under control during these times.

Well, maybe not everything.  But they do a great job keeping me sane!  You know, the house is a bit of a mess, but shit happens.  I'm a lousy housekeeper anyway, so I certainly have no complaints!

My nutrition is still mostly in the bad category.  Some days I plan well and eat well, some days it's a complete wreck.  I finally got back on the bandwagon logging my food.  I switched to MyFitnessPal because it syncs up with my BodyMedia Fit armband, and because I had to do SOMEthing - the food logging side of the BodyMedia web site / app is just awful.  Sadly, LoseIt! doesn't communicate with the armband.  I've been using that web site on and off for nearly 5 years, I'm sad to leave them.  But I am logging my food intake again, which is a big step in the right direction, and I've actually started to pay attention to the interim totals through the day, which I had sort of trained myself to ignore somewhere along the way.  That's an even bigger step in the right direction.

On the exercise part of this equation, I'm happy to say I'm still doing pretty well.  The Heat Wave group finished up about 2 weeks ago, and I was able to protect my schedule enough to make it to most of the 8 weeks of the program.  I really enjoy being a group leader.  It reinforces a sense that, while I have a long way to go mentally and physically, I have accomplished plenty that is worthy of recognition in my own thoughts, and reminds me to pat myself on the back a bit, even when I feel like I've moved backwards.  In 2009 when I first started to change my eating habits by using WW online, I never would have considered running; certainly not running and helping to organize a half-marathon (or four). 

The past 3 days are a perfect example of how things have been going, and thanks to BodyMedia, I have visual aids to demonstrate what I mean! 

Saturday:  Evergreen 5k - I've run this several times, I love it because I get to bring Coty.  This year the weather was perfect.  I had terrible leg cramps the whole time, though, so I had a pretty awful race experience this time.  (I wasn't last, but it was a near thing.)  I kept stopping to walk and stretch, trying to get my calves to release.  I had a lovely time socializing with my Lake Run Club friends and our many Heat Wave leaders and participants after the race, but it was definitely in my top 5 worst races ever.    Home from the race and relaxed for awhile, then took Louie out for a solo training session.  This is a little different from your average Dog Walk - lots of stops where we work on commands and he gets training treats, lots of attention and practice being calm and focused (and not lunging at people or other dogs).  This took about an hour, but we only went about a mile and a half.  Saturday night was the usual shenanigans, burger basket, drinks, late night. 

Here's what my BodyMedia Fit showed at the end of the day:



Pretty good - even with the alcoholic beverages added in, I was WAY over my daily step goal, 30 minutes over my activity goal, and 400 calories over my burn target.  Nutrition was also over, and I didn't quite hit my deficit goal, but 550 under is still a deficit I can feel good about.

Sunday:  I'd gone to bed really late Saturday night, but I really wanted to make it to the Lake Run Club ABC Run event Sunday morning, so when the alarm went off at 6:30, I dragged myself out of bed, did my Sunday morning nekkid weigh-in, slammed some water and made a big cup of coffee to go.  Coty went with me, but it was so early in the morning, Louie didn't even notice.  I told myself that a run and some coffee is the best cure for a hangover.  (Sadly, my hangover came back with a vengeance after the run and made me a very unhappy girl in the late-morning/early-afternoon, but that's the price of doing business.)  After the cramping of the day before, Coty and I walked for more than a mile before doing any running, then did an unstructured run/walk for 3 more miles.  There was a presentation and some refreshments, and we got home around 9:15 to find my husband and The Kid... still both SOUND ASLEEP.  I tried to nap, couldn't, watched TV, generally felt miserable, took some Advil and drank more water.  Eventually, the boys were up and my headache went away, and Louie started making noise about wanting his walk.  I talked the boys into making it a family affair.  We did about 3.5 miles with both dogs and both boys and I made everybody run intervals during the second half.  It was a blast.  Dinner was a Chipotle burrito bowl (which I must admit, I felt was well-deserved after all this activity!) with extra fajita veg, light on the cheese, no sour cream, and about half of the normal rice portion.  Food-wise, breakfast and lunch were pretty snacky, no major junk food, etc.

Here's what the stats looked like at the end of the day:

Again, good stuff.  I was actually under my calorie goal; 800 over my burn goal; way, way WAY over my activity and steps goals, and (as expected) my sleep time was pretty badly off the mark.  Check out that calorie deficit for the day!  BOOM!  But of course, not every day can be a two-a-day.  Who has three hours on a weekday to squeeze in all that fun??

And now we get to the point of my post (I know, took you long enough, Chris) - and that is this: 

These days were successful.  Terrific!  Happily successful days.  But at BEST, I could have two days like this in every 7.  And even at that, not every weekend has the kind of free time available to get this much activity in.  Sometimes I have to work on Saturday.  Sometimes I will be travelling.  Sometimes, I'll be lazy.  Sometimes I'll be sick.  Shit happens.

The real success is on Monday:  I got up early, hit the office, had meetings most of the day, worked a little late.  I did eat reasonably all day - yogurt and cottage cheese for breakfast, grilled chicken and romaine salad for lunch with a light dressing and some carrots.  (Actually, I took a picture:)

After work, I met up with my fellow Heat Wave group leaders for a happy hour celebrating ad socializing and getting to know some of the other leaders.  It was a great evening and I was S glad to go.  Being part of that group has been amazing and I look forward to spending more time with all of these women!  But this is about food:  I had a couple of pieces of bread, one glass of red wine ("just give me the cheapest red wine you have, I'm not picky.") and a Cajun Shrimp Quesadilla which was delicious, light on cheese, and heavy on flavor.  Worst part of the meal is probably the tortilla. 

So basically, what I'm saying is I got NO exercise all day, but I maintained a goal-oriented mindset when I made food choices, and made it work. Or so I thought.  Here's what the BodyMedia Fit had to say about that:

 

 

Calorie burn was a little shy of goal, but not far off.  Intake goal was within my allotment (but of course that's an estimate... Plus or Minus 100 calories isn't hard to fudge).  I HIT my deficit for the day!  And all that with only 22 minutes of "moderate" activity (basically that means ZERO activity - I get that walking from my car to my desk and going to the bathroom a couple of times).  And obviously, I was a far cry from my step goal and my sleep as well. 

But let me repeat:  I hit my deficit for the day.  On a day with NO exercise, AND with a meal out, including wine.

THAT's what SUCCESS is going to look like for me. 
Mondays that say in the GREEN. 
Supplemented by some awesome weekends where the stats are off the charts.

All or Nothing

Last night I skipped my plans, which included a light workout and a meeting for the Heat Wave group leaders, in favor or a higher-priority item on my list of Things To Do.  (Doesn't matter what it was.  I decided it was more important and I was OK with that.)  Then it turned out I couldn't do what I wanted.

I was disappointed - this was something I had wanted to do Saturday, but it had been postponed in favor of Other High Priority Items.  Having let that go over the weekend, I was all about it on Monday, but it wasn't in the cards.  I couldn't do what I wanted, and therefore I did... nothing.

I screwed around on my phone, folded some laundry, played with the dogs... no workout, no meeting.  I could have:

• gone for a run,
• hit the gym,
• done an at-home workout,
• prepped serving sizes of trail mix, granola, and cottage cheese, or
• still made it to the meeting

But nope, I did none of these things.  After about an hour, it came to me that I was pouting.  I decided to at least get my 30-day challenge exercises in - planks, pushups, lunges.  And I talked with the Hubs about it and made a plan for tonight.  Today, it's coming to me that this has been a serious trend lately.  I'm either logging EVERYTHING I eat, or nothing.  I'm either working out 5 days a week, or pretty much not at all.  I've been travelling again and travel days are SERIOUS all-or-nothing days.  I either end up eating junk all day and all night, or doing really well. 

Example:  one day last week, it was a "bad" food day, but I was determined to eat well for dinner at least, and end on a better note.  The client closes at 4 so I was back at my hotel early and changed into gym gear with the plan of hitting the hotel's fitness center.  Then my phone rang - the Hubs.  We talked for nearly an hour, and by the time we hung up, I was hungry. Result:  I ate dinner in workout clothes, but did not get a workout.

I could have:

• let it go to voice mail, 
• told him I was heading to the gym and I'd call him back in an hour, or
• talked for 15 minutes and then told him I would call him back

Any of those options would have resulted in a workout (WIN!) and an evening I would have been more proud of (WIN!), and would have made my food choices in the evening easier - "oh I worked out, let's keep that ball rolling and Be Reasonable at dinner!"  (WIN!)

The thing is, once an opportunity like that is passed up (NOT a win), the All-or-Nothing mentality mandates, "Fuck it - no reason to eat well tonight, it's a lost cause already." (REALLY NOT a win.)   Another battle to fight.  Each time Nothing wins over Something, a battle is lost, and more often than not, a second battle begins.  Choosing Something is actually less work.

All or Nothing.

Here's the thing about All-or-Nothing mentality / behavior:  The All-or-Nothing mentality generally results in the latter. 

Something is always better than Nothing.  I know that my diet doesn't need to be perfect in order to work, but it has to be generally good.  Generally better than bad.  I don't have to do a high-intensity workout every day, but I do need want to work out consistently.  Generally getting it done.  Generally NOT doing Nothing.

 Got Balance?

Why (No) Weight?

Diary of an Aspiring Loser: What Can You Do in an Hour? got me thinking tody and I went and read some articles on strength training.

• Prevention Magazine
• Active.com:  Strength Training to Improve Running Economy
• The Athletic Build:  Lift Weight Lose Fat: Why Women Need to Strength Train Though I must say that the photos accompanying this piece made me question whether I wanted to continue reading or share it, the author makes a good argument. The "art" though... smacks of "fitspiration," which is a pet peeve of mine.  
• Jillian Michaels:  6 Bad Fitness Habits you Should Break
• Jillian Michaels on the need to mix-up your workout routines
• Jillian Michaels again - Finding the Right Balance of Cardio and Weight Training

(you know how I love me some Jillian Michaels)

After reading these articles and blog posts, my thoughts are running along these lines:

Seriously, I am shooting myself in the foot, not doing any weight training. 
I need an achievable goal.
Once a week?  Wednesdays or Thursdays once the running programs are over?  Only 4 weeks left, and the Hubs is off work on those days, so he can take care of the pups...

 ...

Maybe I should shoot for twice a week?  Add in a Saturday/Sunday, possibly even post-run?
Why haven't I been doing this all along? 

Yeah, really.  Why don't I go to the gym?

I decided to take some time to analyze this question and see if I can come up with some productive solutions that will allow me to a) get over the hump and actually GO to the gym; and b) really set a realistic, achievable goal for the short term.  Weight lifting was once a really integral and enjoyable part of my exercise routine.  It should be again.  I want it to be part of my routine, but I haven't really integrated it into my program during the past ... well, the past year, really.

So why not?

PROBLEM EXCUSE #1:  It seems like a hassle. 

1)  I have to go home, change clothes, deal with the dogs complete frenzy, then leave them, plus once I'm home, I really don't want to leave.  I'd rather take the dogs for a walk or have one of the boys walk Louie while I run with Coty.

Fix1:  DON'T GO HOME.  Pack the bag with spare shoes (you're not supposed to be going to the gym in your good running shoes anyway, and you have like 5 old pairs just waiting for a chance to do some good), and like 5 days worth of exercise clothes.  Gym clothes aren't the same as running clothes anyway.  Maybe you need to invest in a couple more bras and a set of socks.  We're not talking about a major commitment of money here.  Re-pack the bag every other Sunday.  Keep the bag in the car. 

Fix2:  GO HOME!  We have a weight bench and a set of dumbbells at home.  Hell, they're all set up, even!  Do it at home.  Teach the dogs to leave you alone while you work (it can be done).  And Do.  Your.  Thing.  The problem with this solution is, I've already proven this isn't something I'll do regularly.  I can't be counted on to implement this particular Fix.  I would do well to keep it in mind for occasional use, though.

2)  I end up with work clothes / shoes in the gym bag and gym clothes in the house and sooner or later I'm at the gym with no shoes or something.

Fix:  pack the fucking bag every other Sunday.  Make a checklist.  (Um, duh, you love checklists!)  Pack a stash of plastic grocery bags to put work clothes in, and then when you come home from the gym, you don't need to remove the whole bag, just grab the dirty clothes bag and take THAT in.


PROBLEM EXCUSE #2:  I'd like to try some new things.

I do enjoy weight lifting.  I do.  Really I do.  But I got bored and new exercises on my app required upgrading to the $4.00 version of the app instead of the free one.

Fix1:  Get a new app.  Remove the app you were using and start using a NEW one.  You'll get new suggested exercises and it will mix things up.

Fix2:  Switch gyms.  Go to a more comprehensive facility that offers some classes and other options that aren't available at the cut-rate, bare-bones facility you're currently using.  You enjoyed it at first, but if it's no longer serving your needs, it's time to bail.  Buying the upgraded app would be cheaper, but upgrading your facility may have a bigger payoff.

PROBLEM EXCUSE #3:  The goddam parking lot is always full.

I'm not just talking about having to park a ways from the doors (though during the -17 degree days we had in January and February... oh, let's just assume that's never going to happen again).  I'm talking about no space ANYWHERE in the parking lot and having to either drive home or park at the gas station a block away and walk to the gym from there. 

When I joined, the gym was brand new, and a lot of people simply didn't know it was there yet.  It's been over 2 years, and the damn college students have found the place and realized how cheap it is, and they've gone and ruined it for me.

Fix1:  Just get up earlier!  Start going at the ass-crack of dawn.  Okay, just kidding.  I know you're not going to do that.  This mental exercise is intended to result in realistic solutions, not fantasies about what may work if you were, I don't know, a completely different person.

Fix2:  Switching gyms is an option here.  Or going at lunch time - when you're in town, that is - or going a little later in the evenings... but then I run into the question of having to go home and then head to the gym, or work out after dinner, which has never been a concept I could get on board with.

Fix3:  GO HOME - see above.

So the response for this excuse is:  OPTION A:  Sack up, honey, and deal with the crowd.  or OPTION B:  find a new gym and hope you don't run into the same problem in another two years.  But really, would that be so bad?  or OPTION C:  Workout at home using the weight bench and dumbbells you already have.

PROBLEM EXCUSE #4:  I run with the dog, and the dog is not welcome at the gym.  And ...  WTF are you getting at here, Chris? 

Here's the thing:  It would be nice to run to the gym, (get that cardio in and get all warmed up), do my weight training and stretching, then run home.  But I can't do that with Coty, and then there's Louie to consider, going all freaking nutso when he sees running shoes... he's like a 75-lb heat-seeking missile with teeth.  It's insane.  Everybody gets all worked up and excited, and then I leave them there... staring at each other and all keyed up.  That's how you lose a shoe in my house. You can't get them worked up like that and then just walk out leaving them alone and to their own devices.  Someone ends up eating one of my shoes or pooping in the house - or pooping in one of my shoes - under those conditions.

Knowing how anxious both my dogs are, this borders on just a mean thing to do.

Fix:  See Fix1 for Excuse #1 - Don't Go Home.  Run to the gym from WORK, workout, and run back to the office and drive your silly ass home if you want to do that.  Your gym is less than a mile from the office, and less than a mile from your house.  Come to think of it, why the hell aren't you running to work in the first place?   Oh right, because I'm an accountant and I have to look like one.  Let's not get all crazy wih this.  FOCUS!

Solution and Goal:
So here's what I'm going to do: 

1. Start small - goal of actually going inside the gym once a week, starting next week (this weekend?)
2. I will pack a bag with several days' worth of workout outfits, and more than one pair of former running shoes, and keep it in the car with some Dirty-Clothes Bags.  That may just be the key t making this happen, at least to start with.  And I will create a checklist for what goes in the bag and stick it in the side pocket where it's available.
3. I will find a new (FREE) app to help me track what to do and how to do it, for strength training.
4. Investigate other local gyms.  The new job offers some discounts with national chains, and we have a few national chains here where I might be able to take advantage of the corporate rate.  And a new gym might have a free personal training session that would help me find new weight training work to do... At any rate, I'm going to look into it, consider the options, and decide whether the additional cost will be worth it for maybe having some group fitness classes available, different equipment, maybe a pool??  Maybe I'll change gyms, maybe not, but I'll give it serious consideration.

So there's the result.  One gym visit per week, with a bag already in the car, download a new app for my phone, and check out another gym.  I can do that.  I'm heading out now, to walk my crazy dogs before one of them infiltrates the Shoe Closet.

Oh, There's Change a-Comin': More on Weight Stats

So I still "owe you" a couple of race recaps, and I will get to that, but that's not what I want to write about today.  It's my blog and I can write what I want... and this writing thing is intended to be helping me reach my goals, not just providing an account of every race I participate in... right? 

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of change on the work front, and I've implemented a couple of new strategies on the fitness front as well. 

First, the work stuff:  I've alluded to some big changes ahead in previous posts over the past few months, and I'm finally able to share publicly - my new firm (which I joined just a short 14 months ago) has been acquired/merged with another, national firm.  No need to go into names here, but it's the first national firm to set up shop in our community (something that I have had a professional curiosity about for 15 years... why the hell don't we have any major accounting firms with a presence in Blo-No?  What is the entry barrier?  It's a large enough community, lots of local and national businesses here and TONS of public sector work to be had... I guess we'll find out.)  As I've talked about all the uncertainty at work recently, this is what that was about.  We were told back in NOVEMBER that the firm was in negotiations for the sale, but due to legal obligations, due diligence, and a whole lot of non-accounting stuff that I don't care to understand, it wasn't public information (and then it was public informaiton but it was all a little unclear...) suffice to say I didn't feel comfortable discussing it until The Transaction was completed. Some of my coworkers "didn't make the transition" [translation:  were let go, though in a few cases, they didn't want to work for the new firm and chose to quit] but I made the cut and so did most of my team.   But November to April is a Looooong time to not be sure what the future of your job and your career may be. 

There are many questions still to answer, and about a dozen new computer programs I need to learn to use and it looks like my team will grow from 3 auditors to about 20 so there are a lot of new names and faces to learn and hopefully a lot of new clients, too!  But I'm looking forward to taking on a new role and being able to provide my clients with better quality and a larger range of services with the level of resources that a larger firm can offer.  I think it's going to be a very good thing in the long term. 

Okay, enough boring accounting stuff.  On to the fitness stuff!

In a recent post, I wrote:
As I've said, it's been a pretty good run (hahaha, get it?) for exercise during recent weeks, and a mixed bag on the nutrition side of the equation, so it won't surprise you that the scale has had this to say:

• March 1 - down 0.8 to 184.8
• March 8 - up 1.6 to 186.4
• March 16 - down 0.6 to 185.8

Overall, up one pound.  I have some more to say about this, but this post is plenty long, I'll leave it to next time.

So the thing is, my weight has been STUCK.  For quite a while, actually.  Here's a chart of my weight over the past year: 

I know:  not the right direction at ALL.

And over the past 3 months:

 

This looks pretty dramatic until you check the scale:  it's a high of 187 and a low of 184.6 - three months in the neighborhood of 185.

I did some research, read up on calorie intake and lots of other factors, realizing that what I am doing, what had been working for me initially, is no longer working.  I may not need to dramatically change everything - in fact, that's probably a terrible idea, but something needs to change.  If what I want is to lose weight in a healthy way, and my current routine is not accomplishing that, something about that routine must change.

Start Small:
I decided to try INCREASING my caloric intake to see if that shakes things up a bit.  Perhaps I've not been eating ENOUGH?  My previous calorie allowance on LoseIt! was about 1,450.  I increased that to about 1,600.  Not terribly dramatic, but from what I read, it may be enough.  After this change, my weight did this:

• March 2 - new plan set
• March 9 - up 1.6 lbs
• March 16 - down 0.6 lbs
• March 23 - up 1.6 lbs
• March 30 - down 1.4 lbs

Overall, UP 1.2 lbs in a month.  I have another weigh-in this weekend and we'll see if maybe I'm back where I started...

Of course there are many factors in those numbers - some weeks were "better" food-weeks or exercise-weeks than others, I had a big anniversary weekend in there, water fluctuations due to exercise, etc., but that initial gain has perhaps begun to turn itself around.  I'm going to ride this out for a few weeks to let it play out. 

The other change I made was that I ordered a BodyMedia Fit Link armband.  (Got it about half-price on eBay if you're interested.)  Slightly used, I anxiously awaited its arrival in the mail so I could see what "slightly used" really means.  It's fine and had no visible scratches... everything worked and synched up to my computer right away, and I even got the first three months on the web site free, as if I'd purchased it brand new.  You know I'm a total techie-geek and when it comes to fitness gadgets well, I'll just admit that it was time for me to get a new toy.

I also decided to dig up my Garmin heart rate monitor (which syncs up with the armband system) and start using that during workouts.  (MORE DATA!)

Lastly, I suddenly realized I could order a USED copy of the Total Heart Rate Training book on Amazon or on eBay!  Duh.  Why didn't I think of that before? (The book came highly recommended to me ages ago but I've never found it in the local bookstores or library where I could check it out and decide whether it was worth buying.) I ordered it from Amazon - got it for "$0.05 plus shipping", AKA $4.50.  At that price, even if I don't find it terribly useful, I can live with the purchase price.

I'm TRYING to get my head around this thing.  What I have BEEN doing, what was WORKING for me for a couple of years, seems to NO LONGER WORK.  I need to make some changes in the exercise and / or nutrition areas in order to get my body responding in the way that I want.

Is this post long enough?  Yes, I belive it is... So there you have it - my thoughts and my current plan of attack.  I think a review of the armband is probably in my future, but certainly not today.  Have a good weekend, all!

So hello again...

Since my last post, the blogging has been hard to make happen.  But this is important to me, so here I am, sitting down to write and trying to recapture in my own mind the various ups and downs of a little over two weeks gone by.

Highlight reel:

• March 1 was the Miller Park Zoo Stampede - a 5k race I've done several times now, generally considered the kick-off to the racing season.  Race report partly drafted, forthcoming.
• I got some terrible news, some of which I blogged about, and in the following week it was followed by some more bad news on the home front which I won't be blogging about - the sort of thing that affects me emotionally, but indirectly, and isn't really my news to share.  
• Then I got some news at work... big changes on the forefront there, been on the horizon for quite a while, the sort of thing that is probably great in the long run but causes enormous uncertainty in the short term (accountants HATE uncertainty, so you can imagine this long wait is killing me).  I can't really share until everything is official, but anyway there was a really disappointing delay.
• There's been some traveling, which is always tough on the whole diet and fitness routine.  Results on that front have been a mixed bag.  Some great, healthy meals, some terrific choices... and some seriously poor choices and fast food debacles.  I snapped pix of a couple winners:

  

  Healthy dinner, courtesy of the hubs.

  

  Healthy dinner, courtesy of Yours Truly.

• This past weekend was my anniversary - we had 19 years to celebrate and we did it up quite nicely - hubs made a great dinner on Thursday, we headed to our local pub for drinks with friends on Friday and had a nice romantic meal on Saturday night with (well, it was St. Patrick's Day weekend) plenty of Irish whiskey to toast with.  



Anniversary Selfie!

• Also this weekend, the Annual St. Patrick's Day 5k on Sunday afternoon.  This is a great, fast, flat 5k and I've run it several times now.  Last year I set a PR at this race.  This one is special because a) they have fantastic shirts!  b) it's super flat so MANY runners get a PR to start their racing season; and c) the weather is completely unpredictable.  Two years ago it was so hot, they ran out of water at the finish line before I was able to finish.  (MAJOR BUMMER.)  Last year the weather was just about perfect - chilly but not cold, not windy.  This year... well, I'll have a race report for you on that one, too.

After the race on Sunday, I headed home to walk the dogs, pack and hit the road for a short, two-night trip.  It's about a 3-hour drive, so I headed out about 5pm, happy I had gotten plenty of exercise.

Speaking of exercise... that's actually been going quite well.

• I've been getting at least 3 runs in each week, plus the occasional dog walk.  
• I've made it to all but one of my Ride The Wave group runs (one I missed because I was out of town), including a BRUTAL hill workout.  The hill workout itself mightn't have been so bad, but it was cold and damp and windy and I REALLY had to do some self-talk to get myself over there.  
• We had such incredibly beautiful weather last Monday, I left work a bit early and joined a group training run on impulse at 5:30pm.  I hooked up with a running buddy and we did about 3.5 miles with Coty.  It.  Was.  Amazing.  I haven't been that excited about a run in ages - the weather was in the 50s and the sun was out... I could not have wished for better conditions and we took full advantage, including avoiding the remaining patches of stubborn ice that hadn't yet melted.

Sadly, those weather conditions have faded somewhat, but they'll be back in a matter of weeks and I really can't wait.  This winter has been so ugly and draining, the only way to avoid talking about the weather has been to Just.  Not.  Speak.

Which brings me to the weigh-in portion of my post.
As I've said, it's been a pretty good run (hahaha, get it?) for exercise during recent weeks, and a mixed bag on the nutrition side of the equation, so it won't surprise you that the scale has had this to say:

• March 1 - down 0.8 to 184.8
• March 8 - up 1.6 to 186.4
• March 16 - down 0.6 to 185.8

Overall, up one pound.  I have some more to say about this, but this post is plenty long, I'll leave it to another time.

Being out of town early this week, I missed an opportunity to run on Monday, but yesterday I drove the 3 hours back home in the afternoon and arrived in time to change and join my Catch The Wave group for our Tuesday group run.  I wore my snazzy new St. Pat's 5k shirt and it was fun to see SO MANY other leaders (and a few group members!) wearing it as well.

Before the run, the CTW director had arranged to have my physical therapist there to show the group a pre-run dynamic stretching routine.  Most of the stretches were quite familiar to me, but I learned a new one.  After the run, I talked to him about some neck pain I've been dealing with.  He asked where, started to massage the area (for about 2 seconds) and immediately suggested I call for a free Injury Assessment.  Based on his IMMEDIATE response, I suspect he knows exactly what it is and what I should do about it.  I'd better make that call.  This neck thing has been bothering me for months and I've been wondering if I needed to see a chiropractor about it.  I've never been to one, and don't LOVE the idea, but something needs to be done.  I've been in pretty much constant but manageable pain.

Today I'm back in my office wrapping up a few projects and I'll be joining my Ride The Wave group tonight for a 3-mile run on the trail.

Well I may have left some things out, but that's the long and the short of it for the past 2 1/2 weeks.  Race reports to follow just as soon as I can get them done.  I'll close with a great quote I got this week from the wonderful folks over at Runner's World:

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. 

Socrates 

Fear is Fear

Well, my little Self-Pep-Talk did the trick yesterday.  And the shopping, that helped too.  :-)  I changed clothes in the comfy bathroom at work and sneaked out a little before 5pm.  I was one of the first to arrive at the meetup spot for our group run, but I didn't want to give myself any chance of bailing out on my plans.  I knew what the weather had been like this winter when I signed up and paid my registration, and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste a single week of this training program!  There may be weeks when work keeps me away on Wednesday nights, but that wasn't this week.  Still, there was always a chance I'd sneak home, right up until I walked in the doors at the meeting place!  I would have felt SO LOUSY if I'd skipped it, and I knew it.  Sometimes I just have to remind myself of the consequences of my choices.

This was my plan.  Thanks for the inspiration, Distant Runners!

A quick rundown on the workout:  Many people did, in fact, stay home last night due to the extreme temperatures, so my group consisted of two leaders, Georgeanne and Kay, both of whom I ran with last year, myself, and a new (to me) runner named Susan.  The plan was for a three-mile interval run.  The way this played out was a one-mile warm up run, followed by three rounds of "6 minutes at goal pace / 2 minutes recovery."  In my current condition, the two minutes of recovery means walking, but it's intended to be a fast run broken up by short periods of slow jog.  This is something I practiced on the treadmill a few weeks ago and I'm working on it.  I'm used to taking those walk breaks and would like to phase them out.  Mentally, I am not sure it's really good for me.  Physically, there's nothing wrong with it, but I go to them too easily and I need to break that habit, walk only when it's absolutely necessary.

Aaaanyway, my calves were really tight during the first mile, which is typical for me, but they usually loosen up after about 8 minutes.  Last night we finished the first mile in about 13 minutes or so and they were still really tight.  I'm attributing that to the extreme cold.  I was wearing two pairs of pants, but I wasn't exactly toasty.  I walked a few minutes before we started the intervals, and kept up as best I could with our planned pace of 11:30 during the intervals.  I think George ran us at 5 minutes instead of 6.  She mentioned that seemed like a really long 5 minute interval!  Once we finished the intervals we had about a mile left to go and did a slow jog back.  All told, 42 minutes and we did 3.12 miles.  Just what I had in mind, not fast, just fabulous, as they say.

There wasn't much ice on the trail, but once the sun was down, even with my flashlight, I found myself feeling really fearful of slipping on the ice.  By then we were on the return, so we pretty well knew where the ice patches were, but I was having a real mental battle over this ice thing.  At once point I started thinking this was my brain's new version of "I can't do this!" - like that sabotaging part of my mind had found a new way to do its thing and trip me up - psychologically speaking - and hold me back.  Perhaps for the moment it realized that "I can't do this" wasn't going to work, not tonight anyway, and it chose another way.  

Ah, RunnersWorld, sometimes you really knock it outta the park.

Surely my own brain doesn't work that hard to screw up its own plans... does it?  I'm an accountant; not a psychiatrist so what the hell do I know.  

Fear is fear, I guess.  Fear of change, fear of pain, fear of falling, fear of failing, fear of the unknown (to me, that's the ice for sure! Ice is tricksy.)  Perhaps I'm just beginning to recognize what fearful thoughts I have.  That'll be the first step in learning to combat them.

Found this on the Hunting Happiness Project Facebook page.

Tonight I have a group fitness class scheduled with my weight loss challenge group, but it doesn't start until 7:15pm, which is awfully late for me.  I'll have to find a way to combat the urge to bail on that one as well, but for more practical reasons.  When does one EAT when you have a class that late?  Usually I have dinner at 6:30 or so, which is entirely too close to the start time for the class.  So I can't do that, but I can't show up hungry either - that's a recipe for disaster.  And I hate the idea of eating dinner so late - it'll be close to 9pm by the time I get home.  Then again, the class has a pretty good name - Body Attack! - with an exclamation point.  I'm intrigued... I'll probably find a way to make it work.  

On the Road Again...

Yes, I am traveling again this week.  First night in a hotel since mid-December!  But it's just for a couple of nights, and I have a plan to keep the food intake in line.

Ready for work today.  I'm not so good at these "mirror selfies" must work on that.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  I must share that I managed to get a GREAT run in yesterday!  Last Wednesday, there was a group activity with the Ton of Fun weight loss challenge group that I'm doing, and one of the other members was in the Ride the Wave program with me last year, in my "slow" group.  I have been struggling so much lately with motivation - this weather has really got me off my game in that department, but I've been trying to find a balance between forcing myself to workout (and not enjoying it), and waiting for that motivation to come back, so that I just "feel like getting some exercise."  Anyway, Jenny and I got to talking, and she suggested we go for a run on Sunday.

I was SO excited about this, it's the first thing I told Jason when I got home:  "I have a date on Sunday!!"

WHY didn't I think of posting online for a running buddy??  WHY??

I had been on the fence about going to the meeting Wednesday night in the first place, and I was SO GLAD I did.  The presentation was informative and reminded me of several foods that are healthy, that I already know I like to eat, and gave me some new ways to prepare them.  Big win, all by itself.  Then the invite from Jenny for a Sunday runday... major bonus!  I spent the next few days looking forward to it (and also, of course, worrying that I would be too slow, too out of practice, or too whatever - or that the weather would shift again and we would be ice skating.)  Having a date with a running partner was just the motivational push I needed to get me out the door.  Without it, I may have decided that 20 degrees is still too cold to run (which it is NOT.  I figured that out last year, but with the recent cold snaps... it has become easy to tell myself that "it's too cold!")

Of course I brought Coty with me, so we got some "mommy and me" time as well.  The weather was basically perfect.  Sunny, no snow in the past 36 hours, the trail had been plowed and since we were meeting at 3pm, much of the remaining snow and ice-packed spots had had most of the day to melt in the sun.  Temp was between 20-25 degrees.  There were some patches of ice here and there, slushy messes to work around, but mostly we were able to run uninhibited.  Oh, and no falls.

We planned to run from the park where we met to The Triangle and back, figuring it would be about 3 miles.  Turns out, we got most of the way to the Triangle and we'd already hit the 2.0-mile marker, so we turned around early and got a 4-mile run.  Time:  a little over an hour.  We walked about 7 minutes to start / warm up, and we took a few minutes to walk at the half-way point.  All in all, I'd say we ran 3 of the 4 miles, perhaps a little more.  It felt really good to be outside getting my run on.

And now I feel much better about the start of my two running programs this week.  I'm not quite up to running 3 miles without stopping, but I'm close enough, and with a group, I always push myself more than when I'm alone.  It's much harder to tell your running partner, "hey, I want to walk for a couple of minutes" than it is to just decide you'll walk for a bit.  Coty never complains either way.

Jenny, thank you THANK YOU!!  I got MUCH more than an hour of exercise from this date.

After the run, I got cleaned up, finished packing and hit the "actual" road for a 3-hour drive.  I'm working at a client today and tomorrow.  DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

I had Taco Bell, of all things, for dinner last night.  But I packed Greek Yogurt, cottage cheese, an avocado, and two chicken breasts, which should make for plenty of food for breakfast / lunches.  I'd intended to take some bread from the hotel this morning (make a sandwich out of that avocado and chicken) but forgot it.  I'd also intended not to eat any of their breakfast, but I ended up with some fruit and half a bagel with cheese on it (sort of like a pizza-type thing, but small, and no meat).  So I had my cottage cheese and yogurt with the chicken / avocado, and I'm feeling like that was just the right amount of food.

Dinner will be out with my team tonight.  I asked them to decide where we'll go, and I'll research it to figure out what to order.  That's always tough in the moment but I can do it.  We also agreed, since we don't have to work late this week, we'll head back to the hotel around 5pm, I'll change and do some type of workout in the hotel gym, and THEN we'll eat.

It does work out well when I can have a plan, share it with my team members, and work their schedule around it.  OK, it sort of helps that I'm the boss and I get to make the schedule...

Last note:  I'm still on track with my 30-day Squat Challenge - got my 80 in last night in my hotel room.  The assignment for today is 50, I guess I'll work those in during my pre-dinner workout.

Anyway, my lunch is now over and I'll be getting back to work now.